im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
