Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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