I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Text me some of your sweat
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
