ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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