My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
