Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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