When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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