Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
