my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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