I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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