I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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