Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
