I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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