Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
