she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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