I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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