A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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