I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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