nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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