I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
