Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just pee around me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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