Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
