hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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