So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
