would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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