i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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