the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
