yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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