You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As shirtless as possible
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
