i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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