I'm gonna have a badass scar
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
