i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
