Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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