I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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