im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
