Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
