I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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