'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He passed out mid-signature
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
