before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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