So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
