Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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