Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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