My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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