Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
