Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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