On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
