Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
