in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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