new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
