I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
